Sorting it Out!

We were asked to think of the darkest an most chaotic place or places in our lives. What do you do when it's your own mind. When throughout your life Satan has used your own brain to block out what God has to say. I am fighting......fighting! Fighting to get out of my head and into the spirit and just go. I am fighting! Fighting to know who God is and who God is in me.

I had a genuine moment last night where I felt deep in my heart, that God was sad, sad because I just didn't get what he was trying to do in my life, sad because I was sad listening to the devil throw more lies to me. Lies about who he wants me to believe I am and who he wants me to believe I'm not. Lies about the life God wants to give me, Lies about my purpose, Lies about my needs, Lies about my talent, lies lies lies. I am fighting....fighting! Unfortunately I'm so blind sometimes I don't know who I am fighting, am I fighting hell or am I fighting with God. I'm just swinging wildly trying to release myself from this bondage of thought and in the process sometimes I'm hurting something that God is putting in me.

I want to die to myself so bad and just say God take it all, all of it, everything, leave me empty and fill me back up again, because last time I emptied I allowed some impurities to seep back in during the refill! This time it's difficult, because I don't know what's not supposed to be there.

I'm fighting to write this blog, Satan at this very moment in causing cramps in my hands and my head to throb to where I can barely see straight. I'm crying and uncomfortable and i'm distracted by random pains. ALL LIES!! It's just an attack, because i'm discerning the truth as I write.

The truth is that God made me strong, he made me moldable, and flexible so that I can adapt and rise to the occasion. God did not make me irresponsible and flighty and numb. God made me relatable and open to be a vessel for people to pour into and a spring for people to drink from. He did not make me a void-filler. God made me sensitive, so that I can feel everything and really understand life in it's entirety, he did not make me weak. God made me appreciate humor in all situations so that I can keep my head up and enjoy my growth, He did not make me guarded and sarcastic, and mean! God gave me the gift to love and connect with people, he did not make me co-dependent. God made me observant so that I can have compassion he did not make me judgmental!! God made me multi-faceted, so that I can comfortably speak to all kinds of people and find a common ground with anyone, because God made me to affect change in all people.

I will not apologize for being able to adapt and move and stay strong and relate and love. I will not shut down who i am and stick a big "under construction" sign on my forhead to ward people off while I "figure it out" I will continue to be who God made and let Satan whine and cry in the background all he wants. My purpose and focus is to please God, not by making some wild exclamation but by living in worship! Let my day be a testament of God's love from me waking up in the morning to smiling politely and speaking sweetly to a neighbor. God just free me from this bondage to my mind, and let me live in your spirit.

I'm out!
Cherbear!