Hey friends, accountability buddies, family, kindred spirits, and fellow walkers with christ. I am seriously trying to handle too much emotionally and mentally and physically. Too much, and Im praying and reading and fasting and talking and when it boils down to it at the end of the day i cry and i physically hurt and I just cannot seem to do the right things towards healing. I am whole because when i tell you it's all connecting like crazy and in a state of wholeness it all hurts miserably together so im at harmony but im not at peace if that makes sense. I realized that wholeness means that all parts of you are connected and working together towards your spiritual walk, but through awareness I realize that it also means you will hurt 10x more in all areas because you can no longer function by muting or hiding certain parts of your pain.
I feel that life is bringing me to this place where I am so aware of the truth in so many relationships, friendships, situations etc. I see people for who they are and realized that i have loved most people for an idea that i had of them, and now im getting to a place where im selflessly trying to love my loved ones for who they are and not the mental and emotional box that i put them in. I also realize that i make people too perfect and too dedicated to me in my mind and no one can live up to those standards because they aren't realistic standards. In the grand scheme of things I am really not that important. But why do we crave that importancce in people's lives. Why is it so important to feel like you matter to someone. But on the flipside I think it's because people matter too much to me so I hold people to the standards of which i try to perform in their lives.
Erika and I were discussing depending on people to love you and it is so idealistic to believe that we are at this place where we can stand up and say "I only need God's love" But i think that's not the truth in any of us. I believe that we are all connected in life and with every bit of pain, suffering, death, misery, and even love that occurs in the world it effects us all because our spirits all come from God and therfore we are connected, and with that being said it is natural to want to be loved by others and give love to others, but the question is, what is the healthy amount and what is the unhealthy amount?
Anyway ya'll im struggling with the idea that now that I have removed my rose colored glasses I dont know what love looks like. I don't know if people love and appreciate me or just completely do not care about me. I don't know if every ideal and standard that I have ever set for myself is just completely B.S or am I really the person I think I am. Im struggling to fight my anger and pain from imaginary wars that I completely orchestrate in my mind. Ya'll this is really deeply disturbing and I can no longer hold it together I feel like im seriously cracking up inside
Anyway thanks for reading my long email.
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